8 Choses Que Je Sais De Moi

Zeebah tagged me with the "8 Things" meme! And so did Mega! So, here goes:

Rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

And awayyyyyyy, we go!

1. I, too have a lazy eye.

2. I worked one summer for a weekend at Coney Island as Spongebob Squarepants. It was like being the Beatles. Kids LOVE Spongebob! My own children will never love me as much as these kids did.

3. When I was 17, I thought I was one of those Ayn Rand libertarians and snuck out of the house to attend a lecture by Nathaniel Branden given by the Cato Institute, where I got picked up by some 24 year old guy. We went on one disastrous date.

4. I am proof that female ejaculation is NOT a myth.

5. I bite my toenails.

6. I am very ashamed to say I once gave a boyfriend a black eye.

7. Sometimes when I am alone listening to my iPod I pretend that I have been elected President, and that the Arcade Fire plays at the inauguration, and the campaign theme song is “No Cars Go,” and then I have a hard time figuring out what kind of dress I am wearing that is both Presidential and also Lillet-ish, and wonder if I will have to have short hair to be President, and I imagine dancing with Trey at my inauguration, and then I feel bad because Parade Magazine will eventually bother Trey all the time and hassle him about recipes, and that makes me feel bad about fantasizing about being President, except then I think about the awesome vegan chef we would have, and about all the speeches I’d get to make, and that I’d only have biodegradable balloons fall out of the ceiling, and how FOX would make fun of me for actually learning Arabic in order to visit the Middle East, and how I’d probably be assassinated not to mention the freepers would dig up my nudie indie movie: and another weird thing about me is that even in my daydreams something horrible usually happens, because I, well, have some issues, like I will begin to fantasize about finding a suitcase of money but then my imagination runs away with me and the gangsters who own the money come and try to kill me, and basically my fantasies usually have a pessimistic turn that I can’t control, perhaps because I have Capricorn rising, but being President really would suck anyway, and suck for Trey and I’d rather live in Portland and have 3 babies and dogs and a donkey.

8. I have a morbid fear of metal tape measures when they retract, so morbid I want to run out of the room.

Okay! And now, guess who is it!

1) Ashbloem 2)Mr. Hell's Kitchen 3) Elle Kasey 4) Earl 5) MotorGrrrl 6) Not Jeff Gannon who is STILL Not Jeff Gannon 7) Kate

And 1 more to be determined.

Neighborhood #20 (Overheard on Graham Avenue)

He and She have just walked past Ralph's Famous Italian Ices.

He: You know, I hear they put real pieces of cherries in their Black Cherry ice.

She: Yuck! I know! YUCK!

He: What, it's no good?

She: God, it's disgusting! I coulda threw up! Who ever heard of such a thing? Bits of cherries in your ices ...

I'm Feeling Much Better Now Thank You

Whew! Feeling MUCH better after getting my period right before we went to the wedding in Saratoga. The tackiest wedding I have ever attended, but still very fun. The kind of wedding where the only white wine is a Chardonnay that smells like Benjamin Moore semi-gloss, the DJ introduces the bride and groom as if they were monster trucks gearing up for a battle to the death, and people were exhorted to do stupid dances. I danced with Trey lots and lots and then evidently took a nap.

The ceremony was held in a Lutheran church that was quite pretty in a midcentury modern blond-wooded way: but I have to say this: Religious weddings seem to me to be incredibly stupid. Religion is stupid. I watch these people listening to the most insane things.... I mean, that fucking reading from Corinthians, courtesy of John, one of the top ten mysogynists of all time ... What the fuck does that have to do with being married? What a lot of singsongy nonsense! I asked Trey the next day, punchily hungover and curled up naked in his arms, "do these people listen to what the hell insane crazypants bullshit is being said in church?" and he answered with an authoritative "No, I really don't think they do. I think it's like the way the kids hear the teacher in Charlie Brown, they just hear 'WAWOHWAHWOH God WAWOHWAWOH Love WAHWOHWAHWAHWOH mirror glass love great love'."

"Also," I said, "I hate that 'until death do us part' bit. It's like, 'I guess I will put up with you until you die and I can go fuck someone else.'"

And then Trey said in a voice like Ben Stein, "UNTIL WE ARE DEAD FROM BEING POOR AND SICK, I WILL PUT UP WITH YOU." And I laughed at this for about an hour.

I love him so very, very much. Even after I am dead from being poor and sick I will love you, love you, love you.

Here There be Dragons

It is no secret to anyone that I have a bad temper and a fair amount of free-floating rage. This isn’t something I am particularly proud of, nor is it something that I work on as much as I should.

My menstrual cycle is haywire from all the air travel we have been doing, but I am pretty sure that the dream I had last night, which involved betrayals and punching and screaming and kicking is directly related to my hormonal state. Seething.

My aunt in Montana has terminal cancer of the lungs and kidney, and doesn’t have long to live. She can’t come to my sister’s wedding and is despondent about it. Her younger sister who has serious pill addiction, hepatitis and other issues has moved from her New Orleans nursing home to live with her sister. I am hoping to visit them briefly in the next two weeks.

My aunt’s son (and her only child) is a few years older than me and is, by all accounts, a very kind man. This is devastating for him and we have been talking a fair amount since the diagnosis. Why, then, when he called me just now, did I want to rip him into pieces? “Man, this is so hard, it is so hard, so hard…..” Normally my heart would bloom open like a yolk in oil. Not today. He kept asking me when my sister was coming out there. I told him the tentative dates she had emailed me this morning, dates I need confirmed immediately or airfare will spike and I won’t be able to go, dates that I myself could not confirm. Repeatedly asking me questions that I cannot answer makes me want to crush the questioner’s face with a cinderblock. I got off the phone as politely as I could promising to call tonight.

Maybe it was the big question underneath that enraged me, because I just fucking don’t have the answer to why is this terrible thing happening? Maybe it is the psychological tugging that made me feel obligated? Hot tears punch at my eyes, behind this idiotic desk.

Hooray!

I am a huge dork, but I just got my lab work back from our new doctor, and check out my stellar VEGAN bloodwork results!

Thank you for your recent visit to my office. I thought you would want to know your cholesterol which is listed below. For your information, references ranges are given as well.

Your Total cholesterol= 153
The ideal range for total cholesterol is less than 200. Values between 200-240 are borderline, and those higher than 240 are considered elevated.

Your HDL (the "good" cholesterol)= 90
For HDL, a desired value is over 40, but the higher the number, the better.

Your LDL (the "bad" cholesterol)= 51
The ideal range for LDL for someone without heart disease or other risk factors is less than 130. Values between 130-160 are borderline and those higher than 160 are elevated.

How awesome is that? Not to mention that 2 years ago my total cholesterol was 179. AND I made vegan scalloped potatoes last night! Hooray!!