Cautious Progress

I am ovulating right now and it is fucking killing me. It feels like a dog biting my hipbone, the feeling after you slam your hand in a drawer and it gets cold, it comes in weird gravitational waves, what the fuck!

In other news I am going to a chiropractor who is restoring me to sanity. I realized that I had had no body work nor gone to therapy since my mom died, since Trey left his job, since our crazy summer, since a lot of things, and all of this had colonized my trapezius and right shoulder and right arm, culminating in a week of burning pain in September after I almost got fired for a huge fuck up at work brought on by stress and my own flailing rage issues. Back in February I tried seeing a cognitive therapist on my plan but she and I didn’t click, and if you are trying to free yourself from negative thinking it really doesn’t help to regurgitate the things in the past that you brood on in the subway to an idiot who you are ostensibly hiring to keep you from brooding on the subway, you know? Then you take the subway home regurgitating the fruitless regurgitation and have a hard time Being In The Now.

But the chiropractor! She ran electricity on my back and made the muscles leap away like a handful of rabbits. And I cried. And she cracked my neck and I cried so hard OI almost fainted. And for 3 days I was in a daze. And now I feel calm and fine. Except for my shrieking ovary. But that is okay. It’s kind of like the bell jar lifting and feeling the clean and quiet breeze.

(And a thing I thought that I could not forgive – it is forgiven. For real this time.)