Same Shit, Different Day

It seems women hate pooping in public bathrooms. I was one of them from a very young age, and would NEVER EVER poop at school, for fear that I would be late for my next class or that, heavens forfend, someone would KNOW that I was POOPING. Even at Wellesley, I tended to wait while other Welleslies had left before taking a you-know-what. And whenever you walk into a women’s restroom and see a pair of feet and hear a super silent silence undisturbed by even a tampon wrapper’s rustle, you know that those feet belong to someone who is waiting for you to get the fuck out of there because she’ll be damned if she poops in front of someone else.

Being vegan has changed this as far as I am concerned because I now I am a champion pooping machine and couldn’t not poop all day if I tried. In addition, I used to be one of those people who HAD to read something, anything, even the back of a can of hairspray to poop and now I don’t have the TIME to read when I go. I sit down, and in less than 20 seconds everything is all done and I get on with my day. Also, my shit doesn’t really smell bad anymore -- like horse poops more than like a port-a-john at a Garth Brooks concert.

Anyway, I felt bad today because as I went into the bathroom this morning I recognized the feet of a co-worker who will not poop while anyone is in there. I know this because one day I interrupted her attempts to poop 3 times. Each time I recognized the shoes and the silence and felt bad, wanting to say, “GO FOR IT, [co-worker’s name]! POOP AWAY!!” Instead I proceeded with my happy big old vegan horse poop, jauntily flushed the toilet with my peep-toe pump, and left her to her solitude. Hopefully she will learn that it is okay, and everybody poops. Let’s all start unabashedly pooping in the ladies’ room, and have a revolution!