Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Hold, Please!

I finally get health insurance after seven long uninsured years, just in time for the looming spectre of this cockamamie nonsense.

Ah, Ms. Holt, if only there were legislation that provided a ‘conscious clause’ [sic]. If only.

Wouldn’t it be swell if I could perform MY job according to my religious beliefs! If I were to found my own organization, “Receptionist/Admins for Enlightenment Values Including but Not Limited to Reason, in addition to Spinozan Pantheism and Complete Sovereignty Over One’s Person?” Here’s how MY day might proceed:

Your Heroine: “Good morning, thank you for calling Das Kapital Group – how may I assist you?

Caller: “ I’m calling with a question about a fact sheet for an offshore large-cap growth fund –“

Y. H. : “Certainly! I’d be happy to transfer you, if you answer one question for me so that I may assist you? Do you think homosexual unions should be illegal? And did you vote for George W. Bush?

Caller: “Well, I don’t see how it’s any of your business, but yes, and ye—Hello? Hello?”

Tee hee! That would be fantastic!

(Except I’d lose my job, and my healthcare benefits.)


Blogger Donkey Patrol said...

Yes, first comment!

I think Lillet's idea is intriguing. What if we lived in a country that advocated free speeach and upheld our right to answer phones however we wanted...I wonder...let me think how my day would go!!

ME: Good morning, thanks for calling the National Socialist party.

CALLER: Why is there a Nazi party in America? Isn't that school of political thought outmoded and ill-based?

ME: In America you have the right to think whatever you want, including that ignoble governments and facist regimes are legitimate. You're obviously not well read enough to understand this concept, nor do you look critically enough at the system of government in place in America now...and I am smarter than you.

CALLER: Listen I didn't call to get preached at by little Eichmans. I'm going to call another Starbucks to see if they have any more French presses.

ME: Good, I hate you!

In a similar fashion I think I'd get fired too. where was I going with that point?

3:44 PM  
Blogger Lord Chimmy said...

This blog is funny. As in, "Ha ha."

The idea of 'conscious clauses' is funny. As in, "Does this taste funny [rotten] to you?"

10:49 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Since when does the pharmacist decide what's on the shelf outside the pharmacy?

Betwixt chain stores (thnk u cvs) and internet, these dopes are a dying breed (no pun intended.)


7:03 PM  
Blogger Donkey Patrol said...

Can I just say,

All negative and acerbic verbiage aside, Lillet, I read your very first post from back in Nov. and it was awesome! I will fight you until the day I die about your stance that America hates you, but good Lord your article was entertaining! I'm not normally as forthcoming with praise for weblog entries, but I was completely wrapped up in your story. Very well written-this creative writing prof gives you a B+ (minus points for being a Democrat, sorry). Good work.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Trey Desolay said...

One nice thing about being a bartender is that you get to be an autocrat. I once had to cut-off some drunken kid who kept trying to press the issue.

DK: C'mon, gimme a drink.

TD: No, you're cut off. You have to leave the bar now.

DK: You're making a big mistake, buddy. I'm Donald Rumsfeld's nephew.

TD: Well, in that case you have to leave the neighborhood.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Hey DP --

Sorry for the late reply -- thanks so much for your kind words. I'm glad you were entertained.

Oh -- but I don't identify as a "Democrat" I prefer "that leftist pinko hellcat with the awesome rack." ;)


10:04 PM  

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