Thursday, January 27, 2005

And We Shall Know Ye By Your Sluts

I receive actually very little spam, and most of what I do receive I'm able to filter-out. But there's this new (to me) genre I have been reading because I find it fascinating. It's the "slutty housewife" spam. Most of it is just "come over while my sack-of-shit husband is away," but this one really caught my attention ...

Janice ?

Your night has been confirmed with Janice.

Time: Evening
Location: Her Home within 1 mile of you
Attire: Dress casual, bring swimwear
Expectation(s): Pizza/movie, then the "real" fun...or whatever comes first.
Quote from Janice: "My husband is out of town for the whole week. If the first affair goes over well, let's just say it will be a wild week. Bring your trunks for the hot-tub too. I have all my lingerie ready for this. Can't wait to meet you."
I mean — ohmigod — are they paying Rick Moody to write this stuff? Because of course it will not be enough just to fuck Janice, I will need pizza first. And

JANICE !!
I must be reminded not once but twice to "bring swimwear." Swim trunks, that is — no Speedos in Janice's neighborhood. (And, honey, the lingerie really isn't going to work in the hot tub, trust me.)

What kind of culture is it in which whores are so prudish? Janice, baby ... can I not be naked in your hot tub? Is that just too naughty? Or unyhygenic? Is that it? Are you concerned, as slatternly housewife hooker of the neighborhood, that I might by dint of our "wild week-long affair" defile the purity of your hot tub and give the kids crabs or scabies or something?

And "Janice"? What — Janice Brady? What the fuck?

9 Comments:

Blogger Mr. H.K. said...

Fun post! ;)

6:26 PM  
Blogger † ψ ♥ ßèwìtçhëd ♥ ψ † said...

What the fuck is right.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Kender said...

Hey...I think I know that chick. But I thought she lived within a mile of me. :D

2:22 AM  
Blogger Trey Desolay said...

I just want to say that it was a single piece of spam that inspired this post. Since then, I have received eight identical missives from Janice.

Relax, Janice. I'll be right over. I'm just looking for my trunks.

2:35 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Oh. That Janice.

How come I never get spam like this. Mine's always some prince from some country wanting to give me money or some drug to grow my here-to-fore missing male genetalia..
(*)>

3:09 PM  
Blogger Dexter Sinister said...

That's so much more palatable than the stuff I was getting in my work inbox for a while. Seriously, I have NO idea how I got on the mailing lists of the barnyard-sex and father-daughter-incest industries.

5:59 PM  
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2:20 PM  
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5:59 AM  

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