Thursday, October 27, 2005

Felonious Junk

Lillet and I are felons. We have been for a long time, really. We've both bought, sold, and used plenty of narcotics. We've both been tax evaders. I've committed grand larceny and Lillet has been to jail as an abettor to prostitution. Scouts we may not be, but I'd never really thought of the two of us as criminals until recently, when we started stealing mail.

We steal mail from our long-suffering, 78 year-old landlord, Mr. Kunde, who lives above us. Until last week we intercepted only two kinds of mail. One kind is junk mail addressed to his wife, who died of a brain tumor a few years ago. We've seen the look on his face when he retrieves the Visa pre-approvals and Cingular come-ons addressed to her, and Lillet and I simply cannot bear to see his mourning churned by mundane crap like this.

The other sort of mail we steal is that sent by the Church of Scientology. Some 20 years ago Mr. Kunde's eldest son was briefly sucked into their orbit. He's had nothing to do with them since, but almost daily through our mail slot come donation requests and science fiction newsletters. Even with two decades passed such mail enrages Mr. Kunde nearly to apoplexy. A 78 year-old widower doesn't need this. And no one needs the junk mail of his that we recycle.

Last week, for the first time, we stole a piece of mail that did not fall into one of these two categories. Mr. Kunde is, we gather, a Republican. He receives lots of political literature from the likes of Alan Keyes, and we've never touched any of this. But on the very day he surrendered himself to the police, a large envelope arrived from Tom DeLay, and we couldn't resist.

What a disappointment: liberals have a stranglehold on our nation's college campuses! We'd been hoping for photographs of Hillary chomping some rug. Something exciting, or at least novel. All I learned from this package is that Mr. DeLay must own a great deal of Georgia Pacific stock, as the letter's 1,200 words are spread out over seven pages.

Was it, we wonder, those darn liberals who expelled young Tom from Baylor University for drinking?


Blogger Orikinla Osinachi. said...

So ironically mischievous.

5:34 PM  
Blogger I Am The Walrus said...

Wonderful...and congratulations!

6:39 PM  
Blogger J_Yates_uk said...

"science fiction newsletters"= Scientology propoganda.... Sheer genius!

2:59 PM  

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