Thursday, November 04, 2004

America, why do you hate us?

The day after the election, I came home to my fiance, wanting nothing more than to cook us a nice dinner and be together, after watching in horror at the incontrovertible proof that over 59 million people in this country are completely insane.

"Trey" poured me a glass of wine and sat with me in our kitchen nook, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. He asked me what was wrong.

And what was wrong was this feeling of everybody hating us, hating me. It was exactly the same feeling I would have, 21 years ago, coming home from 7th grade, where the other girls were mean to me all day long, just because they could be. I would pray for the day to end so I could be alone at home and cry on my bed, wondering what I had done to be treated so meanly, other than be 4' 10" and weigh 76 pounds and have long mousy parted-in-the-middle hair and be shy, when all I wanted was to be friends, or at least be left alone to read under a tree during lunch. (Was it because I liked to read?) This feeling of utter hopelessness, the feeling of that sharp despair like a knife in your chest that hurts and hurts and hurts but somehow has to stay in there because it keeps the blood from running all away and at least provides you with some kind of ontological reference point -- je souffre, donc, je suis. (is it because I took French in high school? and liked it?)

The two girls who were meanest to me were Wendy H. and Monica E. They were the ones who ripped up my school picture in front of my face, and smashed the Air Supply album Monica said she wanted for Christmas (I swear!) into little shards that fit nicely through the gill-slats of my forlorn locker. My attempts to wear the same pastel tube socks, the same violet eyeshadow, the same pink-and-white Velcro sneakers as them could not divert the juggernaut of girl meanness. Monica moved away, and Wendy and I ended up being friends in 8th grade, until the boy she liked liked me more. But I can still see the exact contours of one jagged sliver of vinyl on the middle school floor.

And then I realized, those girls probably voted for W. I know Wendy still lives in Virginia. I saw her at my 10-year high school reunion in 1999. She had the same winged hair from 1989, was wearing a black velvet dress with a doily-like collar, and had a surly buzz-cutted husband in tow. She smiled at me, but when I said "Hi Wendy!" I saw the shock of recognition and her face fall, and then squinch into forced politeness. She was angry that I was un-spectacled, pretty, secondhand Theory, borrowed Prada, obviously no longer From Around There. I wasn't angry at her at all. I hadn't done anything to her by having a different life than hers. And she probably owned a house, and had health insurance. I was a half-struggling actress living in an apartment with a 50 year old conspiracy theorist for a roommate because it was only $400 a month. But I could see the meanness and envy in her face.

And it's the same meanness and hatefulness that I felt Wednesday. This free floating, pre-adolescent MEANNESS. That to some people, anything other is a threat to one's very ability to breathe, and so you'd better gang up on the freaky girl, you'd better aim the dodgeball straight at her head and then revile her for ducking.

The bluest blue states, New York and California, are where so many of us geeks dreamed of escaping to to reinvent ourselves. All we want is to be left alone, while we make all the money to support mean old Mississippi, who reminds me of Bridget H., who mocked me for wearing a training bra when I had no breasts, smoked in the bathroom, and yet insisted on copying my homework.

I had bought salmon and green beans. One of the only things I can cook is this fucking amazing salmon: you pave the salmon fillets with a layer of mayonnaise (I know, but it works out in the end) and then a layer of tobiko (that orange flying fish roe that looks like little orange beads) on top of that. You put it under the broiler until the salmon is done, like 5 minutes. It looks totally pretty because the top layer of roe is black, and then it's orange and white underneath. It looks like a happy koi. "Why does America hate us, honey?"

"Well, look at what we're fucking EATING, honey!"

"But, it has MAYONNAISE. MAYONNAISE. I love mayonnaise! I love mayonnaise, and all I want is to get married to you. Why is everybody so mean?" And I started sobbing again.

Why are you so fucking mean and stupid, America? What did we ever do to you?

Maybe, America, you should remember that it's usually the cheerleaders who burn quick and bright in their little adolescent universes and end up pumping gas at 19. Which, seeing how things are going, they certainly will only be able to afford with a hefty employee discount.

8 Comments:

Blogger Jessica said...

Oh I get it... You were a nerdy little middle schooler who still has this vendetta against some more popular and pretty girls who hated you. You always thought you'd be bigger and better and you moved to the Big City to prove it. But instead you are sobbing over your plate of perfect salmon that you're sure Alabama and Louisiana must envy. They're probably eating cajun alligator. And you're reliving the feeling of losing yet another election... I know it must be hard to never be picked first for dodgeball or elected homecoming queen sweetie. But this is a Presidential Election, a real election, and New York and California may get the most media attention but they aren't the most educated or the most intelligent. And your little girlfriends from the 80's aren't red states.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Wow, Jessica. Thanks for proving my point so eloquently. Are you implying that you *were* homecoming queen? That's a remarkable achievement.

I see irony is completely lost on you.

Also, given that my husband and I actually live in the city that was the SITE of the main 9/11 attack, and are the most at risk for future terrorist attacks, don't you think we have a vested interest in protecting ourselves? Bush has done nothing to make us safer, and Iraq had nothing do do with 9/11. But you're so busy freaking out about gay people being able to marry and just being full of hate in general you aren't interested in the facts.

Oh, and I have family in Louisiana, by the way.

And sicne New York and California pay MORE in federal income taxes than they receive, and Florida pays LESS, it is YOU who is a free-loading parasite watching your Fox News and making ignorant decisions while WE are at risk. That's just a fact.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Oh, and I never had a vendetta against anyone. You seem to be doing a great deal of projection -- that says a lot about you.

I looked at your blog -- if you want to keep all the money you make, then I should keep all the money I make, but right now, my new yorker tax dollars are going to you -- because I believe in SHARING and creating a CIVILIZED SOCIETY. But if you're of that attitude, if New York pulled out all its liberal money, you'd be fucked. Oh, and why are you spending MY money on this bullshit war?

1:19 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

First of all you need to calm down just a little. You don't know how much I pay in taxes a year. And trust me, I get nothing back. I am so sick of liberal ass New Yorker's acting like they know everything! By the way Fox news is the ONLY network that isn't completely left wing so that is exactly what I watch the majority of the time.
Irony is lost on me? Are you having trouble comprehending what I'm saying to you... here's a hint, it's also ironic.
Furthermore, these social programs that YOU apparently pay for and I supposedly receive are only attempting to palliate symptoms instead of fixing problems. "That is a fact," as you would say.
In any event let's try not to be unpatriotic and just be glad that you don't have to go overseas and fight for your own right to be a-hole. Somebody else will go over and do it for you while you sit at your computer and white about it.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Jessica,

So, I assume that you don't need a car to drive around Orlando or get to school or work, right? Because all our tax dollars pay for that.

I assume, since your income is very important to you, and you want to make the most use of your income, that it would be very upsetting to you to learn that under Bush the value of the dollar has dropped 20%, so that has a greater effect on what you can do with your capital, yes?

I read every news source from the right wing Washington Times to Le Monde to the Guardian to Al-Jazeera. I'm interested in facts, not just having my belief system confirmed. And I used to be a hard-core libertarian, before I came to my senses.

What I find the most revealing about your posts is how vitriolic and personal they are. You characterize Raed Jarrar as an "Islamic extremist who hates Americans" which is patently untrue when you read the entirety of his comments. You fail to understand the analogy in my post and immediately make nasty personal comments about me. Basically, you are the avatar of what I described. Thank you for proving me right, as well as confirming the axiom that style truly is ontology. I'm glad you posted -- it's kind of refreshing to have one's suspicions confirmed.

Honey, I'm completely AGAINST the war and pro our troops. I come from a military family. This war is a horrible misuse of human capital. And if you're so pro-war, why aren't YOU over there fighting for what you believe in? Or would that interfere with your "revenue-generating?"

Oh, nice Freudian slip in your last sentence! :)

Kind regards,

Lillet

11:43 AM  
Blogger Kender said...

HAHAHA...this is some funny shit. Jessica is completely right, in both senses of the word.

If you really want to know why we are in iraq, read this:
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,11498606%255E31501,00.html

Frankly I am tired of the liberal left whining about losing and crying about the war. To sum it up doll, it is the governments JOB to further the interests of the U.S. first. Since this nation was founded the sole aim of the U.S. government has been to better our position in the world. Either through the use of diplomacy or military force. That is a fact. It is also a fact that the U.N., along with several countries, most of those hostile to the U.S., is pushing a very dangerous agenda, that would be Globalization.

The idea of a one world government would take the U.S. way down on the scale of prosperity and severly limit our freedom and effectively destroy our constitution. Imagine a world where the U.N. is in charge.

And what, exactly, are the beliefs and political leanings of a Libertarian?

1:27 AM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Hello K.,

I had posted a long response re: libertarianism which somehow vanished -- but basically the point is that libertarians believe the government shoudl pretty much stay out of everyone's lives and consist only of a military to defend the country (from attack only, no imperialism, nation-building etc.) and that taxes should be at a bare minimum to pay for police and complete freedom of speech and consensual behavior in adults.

The typical understanding of the liberal/conservative positions is that liberals want to take a lot of tax money and shower it on social programs and have complete personal freedom in terms of behavior (free speech, legal abortion, who you fuck and how is no one's business) and that conservatives are about social controls and lower taxes, state's rights as opposed to federal-level reforms, etc.

I suspect that many of those who voted for bush did so thinking that the "republican" party stands for that old-school kind of conservatism (like my mother, who is goingto need her social security very soon, who said she wanted to vote for Bush because she believed in personal freedom. ?!?!?) But they are radically different than that.

best,

L.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Lillet Langtry said...

Hello K.

If you are so concerned about our consitutional rights, I think the Bush administration is beating the "one-world" government in the race to feed them through the shredder.

Thanks for the UN monitoring site. Dude, there's corruption in all levels of big organizations, and the UN should be scrutinized as much as everyone else.

Really, what they should do is withdraw all the Hlliburton and KBR contracts from Iraq, and let Iraqi organiztaions rebuild the country. What you would save in the markup would be passed down to you, and probably totally ease your workmans' comp costs. Seriously. Did you know that there was a US affiliate contract to rebuild an Iraqi school for 100,000, and then the people in the actual neighborhood did it for less than $10,000? and *you* don't see any of that money, do you? I wonder who does.

best,

L.

11:58 AM  

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